 |
Marriage and Relationships:
How You Argue Tells A Lot About The Future Of Your Relationship |
|
Marriage and Relationships:
How You Argue Tells A Lot About The Future Of Your Relationship |
Periods of conflict, disagreement, frustration or anger are an inevitable part of every marriage. But why are some couples able to work through their disagreements or frustrations and have happy outcomes, while others end up in a vicious cycle of negative feelings, emotional distancing and deterioration that leads to divorce?
According to researchers studying marriage and relationships, the way a couple argues tells a lot about the future of their relationship. In fact, researchers in a recently completed 10-year study of married couples were able to predict with 88% to 94% accuracy whether a couple would stay together or divorce, primarily by analyzing the couple's communication patterns during disagreements.
What behaviors are most damaging to a relationship?
Fighting in and of itself isn't predictive of divorce. What is predictive of divorce, the researchers report, is arguing that includes criticism, contempt, defensiveness, put-downs, rejections or stonewalling (withdrawing from a discussion, most frequently by men).
Are you or your partner guilty of any of the communication styles below?
_____ criticizing your partner's opinions, feelings or desires
_____ making accusations
_____ putting down the thoughts, feelings, actions or worth of partner
_____ avoiding disagreements or important discussions
_____ name calling
_____ disregarding
_____ insensitivity
_____ withdrawing from conflicts
_____ stonewalling
_____ bringing up past hurts
These negative ways of interacting are devastating to a relationship. They sabotage any attempts at constructive communication, erode positive feelings and result in the partner feeling alienated, rejected, frustrated, angry or unloved.
Is Your Marriage Suffering?
Eliminating negative communication styles and learning to resolve conflicts and disagreements in a constructive and positive way is vital to your marital success. "You have a choice every time you say something to your partner," says John Gottman, who has been studying married couples for over 30 years at the University of Washington. "You can say something that will either nurture your relationship, or tear it down. You may ‘win' a particular fight with your spouse, but you could lose the marriage in the long run."
To Learn More
The following books and websites can help you and your partner improve the ways you manage conflict and disagreements: