Relationship Conflict: For Women, Silence Is Not Golden

Married women who keep silent during marital disputes have a greater chance of dying from heart disease and other conditions than do women who speak their minds, according to a study published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine. The research, which spanned from the mid-1980s to the mid-1990s, was the latest to show that the way couples argue and fight affects not only their relationship but also their physical health. “For women,” the study summarizes, “the message is clear. When in conflict with your spouse, it helps to express yourself.”

How to “fight” and be heard

If you want to learn how to better express yourself during conflicts with your partner, you and your partner need to learn how to “fight fair.” Fighting fair means following guidelines that promote a safe and fair fight, where both partners allow each other to express feelings and positions fully. The guidelines below can help:

Be specific when you introduce a complaint. Confine yourself to one issue at a time.
Don’t just complain. Ask for a reasonable change to help resolve the problem.
Do not let counter-demands enter the picture until the original request is clearly understood and there has been a clear-cut response.
Do not be sarcastic or intolerant. Be open to your own feelings and equally open to your partner’s.
Do not correct your partner’s statement of his/her own feelings. Do not tell your partner what s/he should know or feel.
Never assume that you know what your partner is thinking until you have checked out the assumption in plain language. Do not predict how s/he will react.
Always be open to compromise. Your partner’s view of reality may be as real as yours, even though you may differ.
Never make labeling statements, accusations or put-downs. Name calling, snide remarks, put-downs or negative facial expressions are unacceptable, unproductive and damaging to your relationship.
Forget the past and stay in the here and now. Don’t use “always,” “never” or “should.” What happened last month is not as important as what you are feeling now.
Don’t interrupt. Let the other person finish before you speak.
No physical violence allowed. This is a firm guideline for fair fighting.
Time out is okay. If things get too heated, ask to continue the discussion at another time. Specify the time.